Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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