Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
