Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
