Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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