I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
