I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
