Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize