You made me cry and you don't even care
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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