He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You made out with two different species that night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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