Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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