Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
