Soap is not a condiment
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
