apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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