2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am naked and annoyed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
