they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize