I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
