You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
