Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
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