how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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