Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
