When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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