I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
