he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
