i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
