I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
