the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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