I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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