i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize