Do you still have your period?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
