Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize