I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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