Say something about gay babies.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
