and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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