does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
