it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
