my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
drinking out of a sandbucket again
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
