i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
