I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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