shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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