So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
