My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
