I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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