Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
