Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
