is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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