can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
