I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
