my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
