I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
