the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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