on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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