I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
