I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Porn is love you can see.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
