Do you still have your period?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
