I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
