Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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