she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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