went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
