I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize