I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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