I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize